Guac and Roll! (Wince.)

This is my mom.

Isn’t she cute?  I know. Here’s one of my parents togezza:

They’re totes adorbs.  I love it.  Doesn’t my dad look mysterious with that hat and the sunglasses on?  He’s kind of like a spy.  Anyway.

My mom is a talented woman and has done many extremely awesome things in her life, but one of my favorite extremely awesome things that she has done is to make guacamole.  Many times.  On several important occasions.  In my not-so-humble opinion (for this is, need I remind you yet another time, my blog), my mom’s guacamole is absolutely unparalleled.  She’s got it all down – the ingredients, the texture, the taste, even the perfect chip to go with it (Frito Scoops – you don’t have to agree, but don’t knock it till you’ve tried it).

Since my man and I were a little bit overwhelmed by the number of social engagements on our calendar this weekend (2 – I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but life as a grownup in a new place can get a little…open in terms of free time), we decided to have a quiet Friday night in.  [Cue the guacamole music.]  [Whatever that is…]

On the menu: Hurricane Holly’s famous guacamole and Mexican tostadas with frozen mint lemonade and season 2 of How I Met Your Mother.  Mmmmmmm, semi-lame Friday nights can be pret-ty awesome.

Today, I share with you my mom’s famous guacamole.  “Famous” in a loose sense of the word, but now it’s going to be on the internets, so it’s basically famous, right?  Right.

Ingredients:

• Avocados – you have to gage how many yourself.  I can’t do it for you.  I’m sorry.
• A tomato
• Lime – one or two will do very nicely
• Salt and Pepper
• Optional:
• Hot sauce
• Onions
• Garlic

Important ingredients: As many avocados as you’re going to need, a tomato (we went heirloom, ’cause we were feelin’ fancy), a healthy dose of lime, and a sharp knife.  Be careful!  Bloody guacamole is delicious to exactly no one.

Oooooh, look – I made a flower!  Sorry.  Easily distractable over here.  Halve those suckers (suckers = avocados), get rid of the pits, and use a big spoon to get all the good stuff out and into a bowl.  Eat some if you are so inclined.  Mmmm.  Avocado so good.

Tell me: is that a tomato, or is that a tomato?!  I’m sorry, but heirloom tomatoes are so FREAKING delicious that it makes me really sad that a) their in-season time is approximately 3 weeks, and b) I don’t think I’d ever had one (and known about it) until this year.  Heirloom tomatoes for the win.  Dice that tomato!  It doesn’t matter how big or small.  You can seed it if you want to, or if you’re like me, you can NOT seed it, because I really don’t think it makes a big difference and let’s face it: I’m lazy.

This picture makes me hungry.  I might have to go make a snack or something…

Throw the tomatoes into the bowl with the avocado and MASH, friends!  Mash like your life depends on it!  Mash like the very happiness of your family is hinged on your mashing skills.  Do not under-do it.

Now, here’s a preference part – I like guac chunky.  I don’t like it creamy, or liquidy, or overly smooth.  This is part of the reason why tomato is, in my opinion, a great addition – tomato, unlike avocado, cannot be easily reduced to a butter-like texture by hand.  Maybe if your hand is a blender, but that’s another story and I’d rather not get in to it.

Here comes the seasoning!

Oh, hey, salt and pepper, what are you doing here?  Oh, nothing.  We’re just here to make your guacamole DELICIOUS.  It’s not a big deal.

Lime: crucial, and important, and crucial.  Do not skimp here.  We like to microwave the lime for 8-10 seconds (any longer and it may implode a little) and then roll it really hard on the counter before cutting it in half, for maximum juiceage.  Very effective.

Lime and salt and pepper the guacamole to your heart’s content, and please sample away, because how else will you know if it’s good or not?!  Sooner or later, it’ll start looking like this:

Okay, that’s not a great picture.  Let’s try again:

Guacamole: not an easy to photograph food.  Trust me when I say that the taste makes up for it.  Now, here’s where Mom’s recipe ends and the West takes over:

Desert Fire Hot Sauce.  60% of the time, it works, every time.  I don’t overdo it with this, but it gives the guac a good, healthy kick.  In the face.  Hi-YAH!

You cannot even begin to imagine the massive mountain of crap I had to endure from my boyfriend for posing the chips in the bowl like that.  You know what?  Some of us like presentation.

Oh, hey, what’s that?  Just a frozen mint lemonade.  Also known as my new favorite drink.  I’ll keep posting pictures of them until I know for sure that the rest of you are making these, too.  It’s called peer pressure.  Accompanied by delicious-looking photos.  It can be very effective.  I know people.  Okay, I’m done.

Serve, if you are feeling so inclined, on tostadas, baked with refried beans and monterey jack, and then adorned with chopped green onions, lettuce, guac and cholula.  And garnished with a lime.  Because that’s how we do.

I would like to say, as a disclaimer, that I am aware that this particular recipe of guac does not fall under some people’s umbrella of “crucial ingredients.”  Some people can’t do guac without garlic – I can, but if you can’t, add it in!  Some people can’t do it without onions.  I’m not a fan.  But if it’s for you, then onion away!  After all, this guacamole will be yours.  So make it your very own.

Now, I’m off to watch a movie in bed because it’s raining outside and WHAT THE HECK?!  That is not supposed to happen here!  The Farmer’s Market this morning was maybe the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen – everyone looked kind of confused and scared by the drizzle.  Never fear – this afternoon will involve an inevitably hours-long lasagna experiment and some manual labor, and tomorrow will bring a big hike and some more cooking.  A pretty solid weekend, if I do say so myself.

Happy Saturday!  Viva la guac!